Hi. I’m still here. Still creating. Still writing, though I don’t feel comfortable sharing most of it.
I heard once that happiness is not a permanent state. That happiness is a feeling, and the human brain is not built to stay on one emotion all the time. And that sadness is just as normal a feeling as happiness. That feelings act as a compass – and a compass that points in the same direction all the time is a really bad one. That emotions are your brain’s way of steering you through life. If something is making you feel a certain way, maybe that’s a sign to stop, reassess, and reconsider your route.
I wish I could remember what TED talk or NPR interview I happened upon. It clearly left its mark.
Happiness has most definitely not been my primary state for some time. I’ve been the dutiful patient and taken my therapist’s (let’s call her M) advice to “seek out joy.” Even in the midst of a truly tough time, one can find even the smallest glimmer of joy. It’s true. Trust me. Try it.
I’ve found I experience a giddy kind of joy at the sound of birdsong, as if I wasn’t already old at heart. Chilled spring air wafting in open windows makes me smile, albeit briefly. I picked up crochet recently, which was the Universe’s way of helping me channel all my depressed energy into something useful or at least creative. (Again, #oldatheart)
Creation – the act of making something with my own hands or mind – has been a life raft. Sometimes I’ve wanted to just slide off that raft and sink into the churning sea. But damnit – those little moments of joy have kept me bobbing along in my little raft. (Turns out M is kind of a genius.)
Shopping for yarn is a form of therapy in itself. The different textures, the colors, the softness, the potential and looking to the future that one does when clutching a skein of beautiful jewel-toned yarn and envisioning what it could become. So far I’ve made three hats, two baskets, one scarf, and a bunch of 8x8 squares for a blanket.
The fog feels like it’s beginning to lift. I hope I am right – I’ve been wrong before. At this moment, I feel a small but firm sense of clarity. For now I have a beautiful jewel-toned wrap sweater to get back to. I’m nearly done crocheting this beauty and I’m feeling hopeful.
What brings you joy? If you are still looking, you are welcome to try out some of my joy triggers: ferns / flowers / birds / yarn / creating something (anything) / tea / library book sales / cats / businesses that have “store cats” laying around waiting for a belly rub or a scritch behind the ears …